My friend Jared makes Films... well videos actually, but you get the idea.
Last Saturday, it was Brooklyn Day at the Theater. It began with Car Talk, from NPR, in which a guy named Sal from Brooklyn called about his Z-24. He took much ribbing from Tom & Ray on the way, but they saluted him for being the essential representative of his community.
This call was received a lot of attention. I hear people talking about it everywhere. One of our guests at the Theater was delightfully surprised to hear me pidgin my way through a reasonably lousy Brooklyn accent. She even called her friends to have my talk to them in such an accent. It was good enough to fool a local for a few brief moments.
This inspired Jared to make a film in which all the Characters spoke in that accent. These guys, however, have never actually set foot in Brooklyn and so they're word choices, accent and order were a little off.
In talking with Jared, I said I could take his original video and rewrite it as a Christmas story. Jared asked if I could move it to a Diner and I said, "Sure! Take me 15 minutes!" Well 15 minutes turned about to be 90, but on a lark, I knocked out a 10 minute script and sent it on as a lark.
Imagine my total shock when He and his partner called me today to say they'd like to make it. I was not prepared for this... Still, it's not bad mimic work and the story could be worse. The 'script' is behind the cut.
This Script Copyright 2009 by Robert W. Drake. All Rights Reserved.
WARNING: Because of the nature of the original video, this script contains profane language and some images and concepts not appropriate for Children. Further, it was written really late at night, phonetically in accent. Any thoughts about the 5 minutes of life you could have gotten back and not my responsibility. Read it at your own risk.
( Script for Mayonnaise for Christmas )Mayonnaise for Christmas
Characters, Jill, Jeff, Jared, Josh, Tony
Open on The Majestic Diner.
People are ordering, greeting the wait staff. Wait staff is giving it to the cooks, who give it right back.
A group walks in. Clearly from the Neighborhood
TONY: Yo! Hector
Hector waves spatula
Group goes and sits at a booth by the window. Various people walk by through the whole thing.
JILL: Hey fellas, what can I get you to drink?
JEFF, JOSH, JARED [in unison]: Sweet Tea
TONY: Coaf-fee, but naht jus Coaf-fee, Decaf.
TONY: Wit some cream if you don’ mind. Tank you. Yoah very… I ap-pree-she-ate it
JEFF: 10 years we been comin’ here and you still order decaf. You can’t fit in?
TONY: Wat, I like decaf.. you wanna make somethin’ of it?
JEFF: No. I’m jus’ sayin. It would hurt to fit in? Like maybe a little?
JOSH: I don’t feel sah good.
JEFF: You should see how you look… Cyntia? You’ve had so much you had to hit on…
JILL: Okay, Here we go. 3 sweet teas and a decaf… with cream…
TONY: Ey! You got splenda?
JILL: Nah, just sweet & low
TONY gestures disappointment/acceptance and goes through an elaborate routine fixing his coffee.
JILL: Ready to order?
JOSH: Oatmeal…
JILL: We ain’t got it
JOSH: Toast…
JILL: White, Wheat, or French…
JEFF: French?
JOSH: White
JILL: You? [gestures at JEFF]
JEFF: 2 eggs, grits, Bacon, Hash browns
JILL: How do you want your eggs?
JEFF: Scrambled
JILL: White Wheat or Biscuit?
JEFF: BISCUIT!
JILL: [to TONY] You want something besides decaf?
TONY: Yeah, gimme a Belgian Waffle
JILL: ‘kay, You sir?
JARED: A Plate of Fries and some mayo.
JILL: Thanks guys it will be right up….. Hey Hector! White toast, 2 eggs scrambled….
[Camera pans away from Jill still calling out order back to JEFF]
JEFF: What is it with yawol (mispronounces y’all). I mean, shit! You have to have your goddam decaf, you almost got a girl who looks like Vigo Mortensen to go out with you… and you! (gesturing to JARED) Shut up!
JOSH: She does not look like vilo morganstern except for the beard.. hers.. not his..
TONY: What’s with you?
JEFF: I don’t know why I hang out with you losers. At least I have a frickin’ job. I’m not ‘A tech guy’[looks at TONY] or ‘An Artist’ [looks at Jared] or [looks at Josh] what-ever- the- hell-it-is that you do… what is that by the way?…
JOSH: I thought she didn’t look half goo… I mean, she looked ba..I mean she’s bad
JEFF: Shut up!
JARED: Middle school English Teacher.. Yeah, You’re going to make a lotta money…
TONY: YEAH, He’ll make $35,000 and a year and a sexual Harassment claim every two.
JEFF: Hey, dats why they have insurance, you know?
TONY: [stirs coffee] yeah, because it’s your only chance to score. You need score insurance..
JEFF: You keep drinkin’ coffee, you’re going to need denture insurance because your natural teeth have to be gone. Shit man, will you go see a frickin’ dentist aready?
TONY: Ey! [he’s clearly self conscious]
JEFF: At least I have insurance. That’s one good thing about having an actual job. I got a little cash to buy presents too . You guys…
JOSH: You have money… but you’re bored!
JEFF: That’s true, but it’s America, right? It’s education. Someone has to do it. I’m, you can’t let da brats grow up and not learn how to speak the goddam language properly, right?
TONY: Oh Jesus, here he goes again.
JEFF: Look, all I’m saying is that if …[Is cut off by Jill with the food]
JILL: Okay, here we are guys!
TONY, JARED, JOSH: Thank god!
JILL: [places food] Okay… you had the toast… and you have the eggs… and you had the waffle… here’s your syrup… and you had the fries…. Okay, you guys need and thing else?
JARED & JEFF TALK AT THE SAME TIME
JARED: Mayo? JEFF: Ketchup!
JILL: Okay [She swings around to the counter across from the booth and gets the condiments required]… All Set?
GUYS NOD
JILL: I’ll get you some more tea and be back to check on you…
GUYS start to prepare their food. TONY Butters waffle, JOSH lowers head to eat toast as though his head is killing him. JEFF pours catsup for hash browns, Jared Squeezes out Mayo on his plate of fries.
JEFF: You want ketchup for those fries, right?
JARED: No, man, I got mayo…
JOSH: oooou.
JEFF: Mayonnaise? Goddam ’ Mayonnaise? What the fuck is wrong with you?
JARED: Wat?
JEFF: You know in Goddam America, we fuckin’ use ketchup on fries. I mean Jesus Christ, not fucking Mayonnaise.
JARED TAKES a Bite of fries and just looks at Jeff
JEFF (To Tony): And you! I mean, it’s almost one in the morning and your getting a Belgian? And you’re not even using syrup? Would you grow some already?... and you! Come on man, it’s ketchup. It’s America. Wat is it wit you people? Nobody uses …
JARED: Yo, this is a very classy and sentee-mental thing that I’m doin’ here. There’s a lot of tradition! I mean, it comes from Luxembourg!
JEFF: Yeah? If it’s so goddamn sentimental, then frickin’ go back to Luxembourg already. Goddam diner could use the seat!
JARED: Look My Fath...
JEFF: Oh Some Frickin’ American He was! Goddam roots for the Saints! I mean Jes..
JARED: MY Father was in th…
JEFF: Look it’s Ketchup, okay
TONY: Shut your hole and let Cheese bag tell his story aright? SHees!
JOSH: Let Him Stell the hory..
JILL INTERUPTS: You guys okay? Everything Good? More Tea?
TONY: Could I get more Decaf?
JILL: Sure..
JEFF: All I’m Saying is…
TONY & JOSH TOGETHER: SHUT UP!
TONY: Goddam man, let the kid tell his… Cheese Bag! Tell ‘em…
JARED: Thank you.. yeah.. So there I am. Frickin’ 9 years old and we just flew over from Newark because, you know, it’s Chirstmas break and Pops was Stationed in Germany, and the flight’s been long and we’re tired and we get there… and shit, he’s my old man, right?
So we get our bags and, and Carmen, I mean goddam, she’s never ridden that long on anything ever and she’s cranky, and moms, well she’s trying to keep it together right? ‘Cause she knows about the move but we don’t’…
And so we get there and Pops , he’s wearing his uniform, carrying his bags in his left goddam hand in case he has to salute some ‘frickin’ officer’ and he hugs moms and Carmen, and for the first time, he doesn’t hug me. He shakes my hand, and I’m thinkin “I’m a frickin’ man” I mean, I’m tired and shit, but I’m a man, like pops, right?
So he tells us he’s got a surprise for us and that we have to get on the train, and we’re thinkin’ goddam… we have to ride in something else? Goddam…. So we get on the train and get settled in and I ask Pops, “Yo Pops, where we goin’?” And he says, “Well, we’re movin’ to Luxembourg”
JEFF: Yeah, right. Like that
JARED: No Really Man, & I mean, shit, I didn’t know Luxembourg from… like right up until then, I thought Luxembourg was like, a vacuum cleaner or something… foggetaboutit, but anyways, so
JOSH: Vacuum cleaner.. . VAcuum
JARED: Shut up… So he tells us that we have to move and that we’re going to live in Luxembourg for a while and we’re going to see our new ‘partment and right then, man, I just wanted Five Guys Fries you know? Shit. No more McDonalds? No more Nathans? Woist of all. No Frickin Five Guys? Man, I started to cry.
JEFF: Pussy! (tony and Josh laugh at this)
JEFF: Man, my ass! You’re a goddam pus…
TONY: C’mon, lettem finish already… I’m almost Goddam done with da waffle…. G’head
JARED: Bastoids.. Shit. So I’m kinda cryin and Moms and Pops are feelin’ like shit and Carmen, who knows… but .. so I’m trying to get together and I can see it’s killin’ ‘em and I say “I want some french fries!’ … and Pops.. he just shakes his head, but he calls the porter, cause it Europe? It ain’t like no frickin’ AMTRAK, they got frickin’ service over dere… so He calls the guy and I remember… like it was yestoiday… Swear-da-gad.. The guy spoke French…
JARED: So my Dad’s like.. Done-ay muwah.. like… you got any fries? Oh Yeah! Palm Frits! That’s it, “Hey! You got Palm Frits?” And the French Guy… he does the French Guy thing and he turns up his nose, but he kinda nods… and I’m still wussin’ and he goes away and Pops looks at me and Says ‘Hey! Iz gonna be okay…” and like 10 minutes later… The French guy, he comes back with this thing..
JEFF: Thing?
JARED: Yeah, dis thing… this silver, like a miniature Chafing dish or sometin’… very classy… but you know, inside… it’s like French fries! French fries on a train from Germany to Luxembourg! And Pops, he takes one and there’s nothing to dip it in… So, he gestures to the French guy… and then he throws him, I dunno, a couple francs, cause they ain’t got da Euro yet, and the guy comes back with Mayonnaise… and Pops dips the fries in Mayo and eats one… And I’m like, okay. I got fries. I’ll try it. And I’m thinkin… this is not bad! This is pretty good and the train is movin’, and my Pops… he looks at me and he shakes my hand again, and says “Merry Christmas Son. We’ll get fries every day if you want to. “ And that’s when I knew that this? Was civilized!
JOSH: Just use the stupid ketchup!
JEFF & TONY FALL OUT LAUGHING
JARED: Look, you cannot tell me that there is not some stupid thing you do that does not remind you of a happier time then sitting here with you bozos and Mrs. Frickin’ Cyntia Vigo Mortensen over dere! And you do it from time to time because it makes you happy! Aright?
JARED: You Cannot Judge Me!
JEFF is about respond when JOSH says: You know… wars have started over lesser things… Merry Christmas…
All except Tony: Merry Christmas! TONY: Happy Christmas..
JEFF: You see? That’s Fuckin’ Un a goddam American! Jesus! It’s Merry Christmas.. don’t make me be happy!
JARED: Shut the Fuck Up, You …
TONY: All I’m sayin’ is that you got such a great job? Here’s the goddam bill, How’s dat for your marry Christmas…
CONVERSATION BLENDS INTO REST OF DINER NEWS As Diner is Shown with Fellas walking out, plate of fries is empty with some spread mayo and one clean dollop of ketchup..
Loberstance Productions, in association with ‘That Other Academy Guy’… Luxembourg
Jared as Jared
Josh as Josh
What’s his name as Jeff
Jill as Jill
Alan Smithee as Tony Etc…
After last credit
JEFF: I mean Ketchup’s the Fuckin’ American official Vegetable!
ALL: SHUT UP!